my jaden

Love this picture. I just stood and watched her for a while. She looked like she was in deep thought. Finally, I went up and sat with her. "What are ya thinking about?" "Just stuff" was her reply. That is my Jaden. Always a thinker. She is growing up, right before my eyes.

I have so little time left before Jaden heads off to kindergarten. She starts Wednesday. A day that I have been dreading for so long. A day I have been dreading for 6 years. A day I have really, really been dreading all summer long. This summer couldn't last long enough for me. I am so not ready to send Jaden to school. It feels like a part of my heart is breaking. I don't know how I am going to make it through that day, I am pretty sure my heart and my head (from crying) are going to hurt all day.

This is it. For the next 13 years, we have school now. Every fall. As a child, I loved school. Loved it. I loved to learn, loved to read, loved math. I even enjoyed homework! I so hope she loves it also, I think she will. It is just that our 5 years at home together have now come to an end. It was not long enough. Now, instead of me getting to enjoy her all day, everyday, they get to. I get nights and weekends. Doesn't seem fair. Jaden is too special.

My precious Jaden.

Where do I begin?? I don't quite know what it is, but Jaden and I just have this bond, we just get each other. Tad says we get along so well because she is more like him, which most of the time, she really is. She is the one that snuggles up close to me, the minute that I sit down. She is the one that identifies my feelings, knows when I am sad, upset, or really happy about something, truly cares, and comes and gives me a big hug. She is the one to always grab my hand when walking together. She is also the one that can make me laugh so very hard, just because of her silliness. She is the one that I love to sit and read books with. She is the one that is a night owl, just like me, and we function best late at night, just give us our space in the morning.

She is so stinkin' soft hearted, pretty sure she didn't get that from me.

The great thing is I am lucky to have Skylar and Cael still with me at home. I know they will keep me busy. I will cross this path with each of them too soon, I will cope with that then, the best that I can.

But, right now, I am just trying so very hard to put on a brave face, to tell Jaden how much fun she is going to have at school. Tell her about all the things she is going to learn. Tell her about all the awesome friends she is going to make. She is so ready to take this giant leap forward, I know that and I am truly very excited for her. Really, I am. My brain knows this.

I just wish my heart understood.

I am going to miss having her here with me at home all the time. I am going to miss being able to just pick up and head out and not worry about the time. I am going to miss staying up late with her, because she is going to need to go to bed earlier. I am going to miss knowing what she is up to all day.

I am going to miss her. I am going to miss her so dang much. I knew this was going to be hard, but now that the time is here, it is so much harder than I had anticipated. I am trying to get all the tears out of me, hoping that 1st day of school, I am all dried up. Not sure if that is going to happen.

I will put on a brave, happy, excited face for her, even though inside I will be feeling kinda lost.